


If you wanna be my lover, you gotta at least tolerate my friends

by Novicedge



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Humor, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:55:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28630632
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Novicedge/pseuds/Novicedge
Summary: Naruto and Tayuya had built a nice life together. The two of them had what was practically a newlywed’s bliss. Heck, nowadays they only had an explosive argument maybe every other hour now! Except, well… Naruto’s rocking the boat now. He’s noticed that Tayuya is a-a bit prickly? A smidge antisocial? And he can’t leave someone he cares about wanting for anything. His solution? Pulling her out of her shell and introducing her to some people he knows. Now, what could possibly go wrong?
Relationships: Tayuya/Uzumaki Naruto
Comments: 1
Kudos: 7





	1. Whatever the unfancy version of a prologue is

‘God damn it.’   
  
A crack of sunlight has been hitting Tayuya for a while now. She opens one eye to check out the clock and, seeing how it's about time to get up anyway, reluctantly lifts herself up.   
  
She moves over to her nightstand and rummages through the top drawer, pushing aside music sheets and other trash, before pulling out a carton of cigarettes hidden in the mess. She taps it against her palm to let one fall out, but nothing happens. She taps it more, once, twice, again and again when a slightly crumpled nicotine patch comes out instead. Tayuya crushes the carton in her hand and throws it out at her bedmate.   
  
“Ow!” He jerks up with a start.   
  
“Hey! What did I say about swiping my cigarettes?”   
  
Naruto rubs the side of his temple.   
  
“That your lungs are grateful for it each time?”   
  
The wrapping lightly thunks off his forehead as she slaps the patch on her arm. For his part, Naruto leans over and wraps his arms around her stomach, burying his face into her. He looks up at her with a grin, but she just rolls her eyes.   
  
“Oh fuck off before I throw you off the bed.”   
  
Naruto lets the barb roll off his back. You couldn’t last long around Tayuya if you couldn’t take a little jab here and there. Then again, he had spent a huge chunk of them first knowing each other, failing to do just that. But Naruto was nothing if not persistent, and as anyone who used to hate him could attest to, the guy just had a way of worming his way into your heart.  
  
“…mmm sooooo… have you changed your mind yet?”   
  
“Pfft, as if. That shit’s disgusting, you creep. Give me the apartment and go find someone else who’ll do that.   
  
It's his turn to roll his eyes. “Oh, haha.”   
  
Tayuya reluctantly lets him let go as he gets off the bed. Naruto roots around the floor for some sweat pants. He makes his way out while still forcing one leg in.   
  
“I’ll make breakfast. You go ahead and shower.”   
  
“Hn, as if there was any doubt.”   
  
She makes her way to the bathroom and quickly brushes her teeth before stripping down and heading to the shower. The quick spray of cold water before heating up helps shake the sleep from her.   
  
‘Tch. At least this one actually heats up, unlike that other piece of shit.’   
  
As much trash as Tayuya talked when she first moved in, Naruto’s apartment was a hell of a lot better than her old place. Though as long as there were half as many roaches and little chance of a drug raid, she couldn’t honestly complain. But Naruto had played the gracious host and really made Tayuya’s life here. So well that at times she even considered thanking him for what he’s done for her.   
  
She rubs the last of the shampoo through her hair, putting a little more force than she had beforehand.   
  
‘As if. The last thing that idiot needs is more ego-stroking.’   
  
She turns off the water and dries herself, quickly enough that she almost manages to convince herself that her flushed face was from the piece of shit water heater.   
  
She heads out to their room and goes through her dresser to search for some clothes. As she does, she catches a blond blur from her peripheries followed by a smack across her butt.   
  
The bathroom door shuts hard as a second later, a frog plush hits it. Going so hard that it even activates the push to talk, so now kero-kero sounds are filling the room.   
  
“Noooo Gama-chan! Sniff-sniff, I will avenge you, buddy!”   
  
“…Dumbass.”   
  
Tayuya finishes dressing herself and heads to the kitchen. Coming to see that Naruto had made eggs and toast, number four on the list of ten things he could make competently.   
  
’God, I can't wait for these cooking classes to start kicking in. He's been taking those things for how long now?‘  
  
She looks up above the burner and, despite their cleaning that day, can still see a bit of beef stew up there from her last attempt to try to make something.   
  
‘Then again, this guy can barely clean for shit, so he’s gotta have something to be half decent in.’   
  
For no particular reason, while she’s at the fridge, she also cracks open the freezer and pulls out the last of the waffles. She plops three of the things into the toaster, jamming two of them to fit in one slot to make it work. She absent-mindedly throws the box over her shoulder into the trash can. The words ‘MINE!!’ scrawled across the side on red, briefly visible, before making it in. She sits down at the table to enjoy her meal, now with an energy drink in hand to complete it.   
  
She cracks the can open and lifts it up in a mock toast.   
  
‘To life!’   
  
Naruto now comes in shirtless, though with a towel draped over his shoulders. His chest still a bit wet, but he was sporting some new sweatpants.   
  
Tayuya stays chugging from the can and points over to the toaster with her free hand. She hates how she can see him smile even without looking. She slaps her drink down the table, having downed half of it before they both start chowing down.   
  
The two of them stay like that for a while, eating being one of three things that can get them to shut up, before Naruto speaks up.   
  
“So now that you’re awake and less hangry, have you thought about what I said last night?”   
  
“Not really. There’s a lot of dumb shit you say that I zone out of.”   
  
“It was the one about how I want you to meet my friends.”   
  
“And what if I don’t wanna?”   
  
“Augh, c’mon Tayuya!”   
  
“Oh, but Naruto-saaaaaama! I don’t need anyone else! All I need is you!”   
  
She punctuates her sickly sweet tone by flicking a piece of egg off her plate, missing his face and only hitting the wall.   
  
“Man, you’re aim is getting worse and worse. I swear it's almost like you're scared of ruining this pretty face.”   
  
This time it’s a chunk of a toast, its aim was better, but Naruto catches it with his teeth.   
  
“Mm, tanks babe!”   
  
If nothing else, his chewing bought her a few seconds of silence. It might even-   
  
“C’mon, c’mon! What about like a couple of them. It’ll be great come oooooon!”   
  
“God, why won’t you just let this go?”   
  
“I just think you need to hang out with some people. I don’t think it’s good for you to only hang out with me.”   
  
“So what? You worried imma get sick of you? Or maybe, you're sick of me, huh?! Is that it?”   
  
He folds his arms behind his back, brushing it off as impossible. He knows it’s just her trying to shift the argument. He could never get sick of her, and he knows she knows that and that the feeling was mutual. Tayuya turns away, defeated.   
  
It had been two weeks since Naruto asked her this, and he was still going as strong as when he started. The two of them were stubborn as all get out, and they had gotten into all kinds of arguments, all varying in levels of stupid and petty, so Tayuya had thought this one would pass like all the other ones. She had underestimated how much he cared about this.   
  
Not that Tayuya could mind that much; of all the things that genuinely, truly pissed her off was someone without a spine. And if she were strapped to a chair and tortured for the info, she could maybe even admit a part of her lov- liked! Liked! Liked how much her wellbeing meant to him.   
  
They were a mix of fire and water, but they couldn’t help but come back to each other afterward. When they were first dating, Naruto had even said that’s why things would always get steamy between them, which was also the day Tayuya forced him to never quote a romance novel to her ever again.   
  
‘Uggggggggh.’   
  
But as much as they butted heads, they each knew there were times when they just had to concede. And Tayuya knew this was one she had to let slide.   
  
“C’mon please!? Pleeeeeeaaaa-“   
  
“God! Fine, fine! I’ll do it!”   
  
As Naruto whoops and goes around to hug her, Tayuya takes in the last of her energy drink, and with her other arm, wraps around him too. She’s still angry but can’t help but feel some of it evaporate in his embrace.   
  
‘Whatever makes this idiot happy I guess. Well, this can’t be too hard. I mean, how many friends does Naruto have?’ 


	2. Sakura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt title: My second best friend in the whole world

When Sakura was asked to hang out with Naruto and meet his girlfriend, she was pleasantly surprised. Everyone in Naruto’s circle was abuzz about what kind of woman could tame/tolerate him for so long. For almost a year, they had heard Naruto go on and on, gushing about this girl. But whenever someone asked to meet her, he suddenly got cagey. Which just made everybody more curious. Stuff like what she looked like, what was she like, or like was this girl actually real.

Well, that was too far. They knew she probably existed. Sasuke had said as much. A few months ago, he had come over to Naruto’s place unannounced and met her. But in typical Sasuke fashion, all he had to say about her was that she was annoying. Apparently, he hadn’t even gone in. As soon as he heard her open her mouth, he had just up and left. It was a shame how little he was able to report, but it was like Choji said, "Do we really need input from a guy who once bit into a tomato like it was an apple?"

One idea that Kiba threw around was that she had dumped Naruto at some point, and he was just too embarrassed to admit it. Maybe even that what Sasuke walked into was their breakup.

Though no one really put much stock into Kiba’s theory. Embarrassment was maybe second or third on the list of things to follow Naruto after ramen, so it wasn’t like him to suddenly become self-conscious about looking lame.

The last camp was Shikamaru’s. He put forward that Naruto was making it all up so people would get the hint he was taken. That maybe he wanted someone, in particular, to get the hint and stop pining for him. But that was something he left out of the main group chat for the sake of Hinata's feelings.

All this went through Sakura’s head to muse over. Especially since, well… she had been kept waiting at this park table for close to an hour now. She had tried taking the opportunity to study, but if she wanted to do that, she could’ve just stayed home.

‘If they ever decide to show up, I’m gonna go ahead and give her Ino’s number. If anyone’s good at breaking in guys, it’s her.’

A bright light catches her eye. She looks over at her phone and sees a string of text interspersed with several emojis filling the top of her screen.

‘Or she’s just really good at lying about it.’

Sakura sighs.

‘Ah, screw it.’

Sakura starts to put her textbooks back in her bag. She was gonna chalk this one up as a wash. Naruto hadn't even bothered to respond to her messages. Whatever it was that came up, had him too busy to let her in on. She, however, was gonna at least have the courtesy of texting him. She reaches over to her phone, idly wondering how to get back at Naruto later when a familiar voice catches her attention.

“H-Hey! Sakura! Sak-u-raaa!”

She looks up to it see that it’s Naruto. He was running across the field a ways off. He was hunched over for some strange reason until Sakura realized he was carrying someone on his back.

‘Heh, looks like you’ll need to pay up Kiba.'

Naruto reaches over and stops at the park table, bending over to let his rider off and to catch his breath.

“Hey *Huff* Sakura, this is Tayuya. Tayuya meet *Huff* Sakura.”

Tayuya thrusts her head up slightly.

“Sup.”

Sakura offers up a handshake.

“Hey there. It’s nice to meet you, Tayuya."

Naruto had managed to recover a bit by now and is standing up.

“Yeah, sorry about that. See what happened was-“

Tayuya claps her hand over Sakura’s. The hard sound cuts off Naruto for just a second. Which was all the time Tayuya needs to interject.

“Hardcore oral. Hardcore oral happened.”

…A soft breeze coming through the rustling trees was all that could be heard.

Sakura was completely blue screened. No clue on how to take what she just heard. Her brain tries to pick itself up and put it together. Naruto must really care for this girl, right? She had to try her best to get along with her, right?

So she went with the best response she could think of.

“As… As opposed to softcore oral?”

…A soft breeze coming though the grass was all that could be heard.

Tayuya cracks a grin and moves over to Sakura’s side, clapping her shoulder in an almost hug.

“You’re all right, forehead.”

‘…What?'

Sakura tilts her head down. Her expression darkening.

“…Forehead?”

After being stunned by the 1-2 punch of what he just heard, the dangerous reality of the third punch snaps Naruto back to earth.

“Uh Tayuya, Tayuya! Ex-nay on the forehead-ay!”

Tayuya raises one finger to her cheek.

“Eh, seriously? What other nickname do I go for then? Pinkie is waaay too obvious.”

Sakura grips Tayuya’s arm off her shoulder. The amount of pressure she put was a showcase of self-control. She wasn't putting any force into hurting Tayuya, but her arm couldn’t stop shaking in its restraint. It was sorta like an arrow on a gauge flicking back and forth right up against the limit. The kind of thing that only preceded like movie explosions.

“…Just Sakura will do.”

Naruto didn’t want to be put in the middle of a fight between the two of them and hurriedly moves to the park table.

“Oh, h-hey guys, let’s stop standing around and sit down. Right, right?”

The agree and take a seat, Tayuya beside him and Sakura on the other side. Sakura goes through some mental exercises to let her anger simmer down. At least for now, she could go karate chop a tree or something later. Tayuya seemingly none the wiser on the danger she just skirted.

“So Sakura, I see you got all these books and shit. Are you really a student? I didn’t think Naruto knew any smart people like that.”

Sakura waves off the compliment(?). If nothing else she’s starting to get a feel for who Tayuya was. Ino had told her to note everything down to tell her later, but Sakura knew she wasn’t gonna forget about this girl anytime soon.

“Yeah, I know what you mean. I’ve known Naruto since elementary school, and he was never one for the honor roll, or passing really. Oh, sorry, your question. Yeah, I’m in med school right now. What do you do?”

“Naruto.” She props her arm on the table, resting her chin on her palm. “I do him a looooooot.”

Naruto bangs his fists on the table.

“Babe, please!”

“If you want me to stop, then you gotta stop people from setting me up!”

She shrugs.

“Nah, but seriously I’m nothing fancy. I work at a gas station. It's pretty alright. Most people just pump their gas and go, so I don't usually got to deal with anyone.”

“Huh, I want to ask if you've ever gotten robbed, but something tells me if there was ever a robber, the cops would have to show up to save them."

“Heh, damn straight. The only thing I gotta deal with is some random weirdos sometimes. That’s actually how I met numb-nuts over here. Yep, this guy is the only moron on the planet to try window shopping at gas station."

"Seriously? I mean, I guess I've seen some big gas stations before."

“Oh, no! Not even. This was one of the small ones where it's four pumps and a booth. This motherfucker REALLY struggled choosing between the six candy bars we had.”

“Look, look. I know it took me a while, but hey! I still managed to get the best thing there, didn't I.”

Naruto nuzzles his head against Tayuya’s cheek.

“Oh my fucking god. I am actually going to murder you. I am going to bury you so deep into the ground it'll be five hundred years before the archaeologists find you and wonder how a neanderthal was able to live so long without any space in its skull for a brain!”

Naruto moves away but just starts grinning. He moves his finger to poke her cheek before darting his hand back, dodging Tayuya's bite.

She puts on a show of being pissed, but Sakura could see how flustered Tayuya was. She couldn't help but giggle. Sakura found the whole exchange kind of adorable. Which was no small feat for a conversation that involved murder.

"Heh-heh, You know Tayuya. I didn't know what to expect from Naruto's girlfriend, but you're a real keeper."

"You're not too bad yourself, Sakura. I don't know why Naruto was warning me about you."

“Really? Huh, what did he say about me?”

“Uh Tayuya-“

She waves it off. Tayuya looks up to remember the details and starts counting the things off her fingers.

“Not much. Just that you’re kinda high-strung, got a short temper. Ah, what else? Oh-Oh! To not say anything about your forehead. Honestly, I don’t know what he was talking about. Like your forehead isn’t that bi-“

Tayuya trails off. As she was talking, she had looked back over. So she was in perfect view to catch her boyfriend get decked and blown off his seat. The blow was like its own miniature Mach 1 sonic boom, and he had gotten plowed with it. He was layed out flat on the grass, like an amateur boxer getting TKO’ed in round one.

Naruto stays there, catching stars and trying to use what little brain power he has at the moment to remember if running or playing dead worked better with dodging Sakura's wrath.

Speaking of Sakura, she was busy burying her face in her hands. Trying to grapple with training to being a physician and possibly have just given someone a concussion. She had been on such a good streak of refraining from violence too. She even had one of those addiction poker chip things rattling around in her purse to prove it! Well there goes that streak.

And Tayuya?

She is howling, howling over what happened. Clutching her stomach in pain, she was laughing so hard.

“*hic* Damn Naruto, you were right. This shit is fun. Ka-haha! So who we *hic* meeting tomorrow?”


	3. Sai and Sasuke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alt title: That edgy pale-faced son of a gun that I call my best friend, no not him I meant the other one.

After Sakura, Naruto was at a loss on who Tayuya could meet next. Sakura had been the safest option, being the most understanding person he knew. She may have had a history of decking him seven ways from Sunday, but that was just the kind of people Naruto rolled with. He could keep going down the list of nice people he knew, but that could only get worse each time.

Who knew it would be so hard to introduce his friends to a girlfriend as perfect as his?

Then Naruto had an idea. What if he went the opposite way on this? Instead of someone nice and chill, what if he went with someone more on Tayuya’s wavelength?

The most grating asshole he knew, Sai!

He had asked Sakura for some input, and she agreed. She also thought Sai and Tayuya might hit it off. She was confused on one part, though. Naruto always had weirdly antagonistic relationships with a lot of his friends, but he seemed to get irritated the most by Sai. But if Sai’s comments annoyed him so much, why didn’t Tayuya’s? Speaking of which, weren’t the two of them pretty similar?

Naruto aggressively disagreed, telling Sakura that the two were nothing alike. First off, Tayuya could turn off her sass and did have a sweet side deep down as opposed to Sai. She was also drop-dead smoking gorgeous if Naruto could say so himself. Sai had nothing on Tayuya’s sleek raspberry-red hair or this smile of hers she would bust out sometimes when it was just the two of them. And there were all these little things Tayuya would do to show she cared, like just that morning she- And that was around the time Sakura muted him.

But anyway, there was no way this could fail. Sai loved attacking people as much Tayuya did, and he did it exclusively with words! Already this was looking up from the other day. Everything was coming up Naruto!

———

Naruto picked the park again. It had sort of worked alright last time, so why mess with a good thing? Though today, Naruto had a plan to make things smoother, an incredibly basic one but so was his brain, as Tayuya would say. His idea was that the two could bond over their mutual love of trash-talking, but if he had to get them started, then he could make himself a target. Having his girlfriend talk about him behind(?) his back to his friend(?) seemed like a small price to put a smile on her face.

That, as it turns out, was where Naruto miscalculated. But to start at the beginning.

Sai was already waiting there at the table. He didn’t have to wait as long as Sakura did since Naruto knew now to keep better track of time.

“Hey, Sai!”

“Hello, Naruto.” Sai didn’t look up as he greeted him, busy at work on his canvas.

Naruto goes to nudge Tayuya to prompt her to say something when he stops himself. He sees the glint in her eyes and knew he didn’t have to.

“Oh, so that’s where my crop top went. I told the owner some pervert was riffling through her Laundromat, but she just wouldn’t believe me. Tell you what, fork over some cash, and maybe I won’t have to report you.”

“Oh, please. Like this could fit your atrocious frame. Though since you mentioned it, perhaps you should take notes from the thief and fetch yourself a half-decent wardrobe.”

Naruto started sweating. Each millisecond dragged as he waited for the moment of truth, would this work, or did he just botch this horrifically?

His worries fade, however, as soon as he sees Tayuya crack a huge shit-eating grin. “Heh, the name’s Tayuya.”

Sai actually bothers to look up from his drawing to greet her back. “And I’m Sai. A pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

Naruto was feeling so smug. He had absolutely nailed it. This was what life was all about, friendship!

The two sat down across from Sai. Things kept going like that for those first few minutes. In between the basic pleasantries, Sai would throw a couple of quick little jabs at Naruto that Tayuya loved to hop in on.

“I was worried you two might not make it. I know Naruto has trouble reading, but I wasn’t sure if that extended to time.”

“Heh, I know right? I swear the guy’s more late than a prostitute’s period some days.”

But then Sai kept going.

“Tayuya, you seem to have some sense. Can I trust you to have something done about Naruto’s god awful hair?”

And Tayuya stopped finding it so funny.

“Really, huh? I think it looks good. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Sai smelled blood in the water. He kept going on and going in, ripping into Naruto until-

“You wanna say that again?!”

Tayuya got pissed, like really pissed.

Tayuya loved to rag on Naruto a lot; he was sort of like a trusty old stuffed animal, he could take her digs or gentle whacks and keep on smiling. What Naruto didn’t fully realize until then was just how far her devotion went. He was _her_ property dammit, and she would go all-out fighting for what was hers. You can get all your little snubs in, but he was first and foremost her punching bag.

‘Where was this attitude when I got punched the other day?!’

He sighed, conceding that Tayuya would’ve stepped in yesterday if things had gotten really bad. But that wasn’t relevant now. He had to stop her from getting another felony on her record. Even if Tayuya being seconds away from murdering someone for his sake was kind of hot.

‘…Man, Shikamaru was right. I do have problems’

But Naruto could schedule an amateur therapy appointment with Ino later. He had to do something! Anything that could change the subject.

And like the hero out of so many of Naruto’s old classmates’ fantasies, a man had arrived from out of the blue to save him, Sasuke was here.

He was a ways off on the park’s sidewalk. He seemed to have been out jogging but had slowed down to a brisk walk to rest a bit. Before Naruto could flag him down, he realized Sasuke was wearing headphones and wouldn’t be able to hear him, not that Sasuke would’ve likely acknowledged hearing him.

Either way, this left him wide open to get tackled full force by his best friend in the whole world.

As the two roll and sprawl onto the park grass, Sasuke grabs Naruto, ready to choke the life of the random mugger that thought they could take down _the_ Sasuke Uchiha.

“Yo! Sasuke-Sasuke! It’s *kyaach* me!”

Sasuke gets a closer look and sees that the person who randomly attacked him out of the blue, yes, was in fact, Naruto, cause of course it was. He lets his grip loosen slightly.

“You got five seconds to explain.”

Naruto takes the chance to suck in some precious air before speaking. “Listen, I need your help.”

“And you couldn’t just talk to me like a normal person?”

“Oh, like you know how to talk like a normal person.”

Sasuke tightens the hold right back, and Naruto flails in pain.

“-Sorry, Sorr-akh!”

Sasuke finally let’s go. He gets up and puts away his headphones before turning in the direction Naruto was running from, to see what Naruto was probably talking about. To his dismay, it was Naruto’s annoying girlfriend _and_ Sai.

Sasuke turns on his heel, making a 180 and backing out. His pace isn’t fast enough, however, as Naruto dives and latches himself onto Sasuke’s ankle.

“Sasuke, please! If you don’t help me, Sai’s gonna die!”

Sasuke stomps on Naruto’s arms with his other leg.

“Good. Now leave me alone.”

Naruto refuses to let go.

“C’mon, come on, Sasuke! I’ll give you like ten-no a dozen tomatoes!”

Sasuke stomps Naruto’s face. “Shut the hell up about the tomatoes. I told you it was an apple.”

Naruto tries to give Sasuke the ol’ puppy eyes but its ruined by his inability to keep his mouth shut. “Then why do I keep catching you doing it?” Which earned him another faceful of Sasuke’s shoe.

“Gah! Stop! Look, I’ll owe you one!”

Sasuke sighs. He knows Naruto isn’t about to let up. “…Fine.” He agrees, tired and ready to get this over with, already planning out how badly he was going to milk this favor later. He really needed that favor too. It wasn’t just that this would probably escalate into an actual fight that he’d probably lose thanks to having already tired himself with a workout. Naruto might be annoying about this, but Sasuke just knew he’d be even more insufferable if he actually got a win over him. Not that such a thought ever passed his mind.

Naruto scrambles up and hugs Sasuke. “Thankyou-thankyou-thankyou!” He lets go but keeps one arm around Sasuke as they walk to Tayuya and Sai. He wasn’t about to let Sasuke try and walk out again. The two reach the table.

“Hello there, Sasuke.”

Sasuke ignores Sai as he and Naruto take a seat. The table was meant to fit two people on each side, but between Naruto and Sai, Sasuke would pick Naruto every time. Then again, he was likely to choose Naruto over anyone else usually, being just five minutes away from a fistfight with him earlier be damned. So, Naruto and Tayuya had to scoot closer to accommodate him. If it bothered Sai, he didn’t show it. Tayuya waits a moment to stare at the two before speaking up.

“So you wanna tell me what the fuck that was all about?”

“Huh, what? Oh, you mean that? Um, that was training. Yeah, Sasuke here was practicing his self-defense. He asked me to attack him when he least expected it. Right, Sasuke?”

“…”

Naruto prods Sasuke’s shoulder, but he just keeps staring forward.

“Okay, sure, whatever.” She didn’t really buy it, but it did sound stupid enough for her boyfriend to agree to. Besides, she had more important issues at hand. “Hey, since you got two of these things, does that mean I can kill this one, and you still got a spare to keep around?.” She jerks a thumb in Sai’s direction.

“Do you think you can take me on?”

“Uh-Uh, Sasuke! Um, what were you saying about uh Karin? Didn’t you have something you wanted to tell me about her?”

“I have never met a Karin once in my entire life.”

Tayuya stops glowering at Sai to look at Sasuke. “Karin? Was she that chick you were getting hot and heavy with out in front of our place? You know, the one you had to run up to our place to mooch some condoms for?”

“It’s possible our Sasuke is a bit of a slut. He just can’t keep all his conquests straight.” Tayuya snickers at Sai’s comment.

‘Oh, thank god.’

“Oh c’mon guys, it’s not like that. What Sasuke’s saying is that he uses her nickname so much that she’s not Karin to him. She’s like his sweetie, or like honey.”

“Knowing Sasuke, I’d say it’s something more like woman or pet. And if I had to hazard a guess, he probably demands she refer to him as Daddy.” Sai flips over to a new page as if to emphasize his point.

Karin wraps her arms around Naruto and pulls them both away from Sasuke. “Aw shit, you’re one of those? I always knew you weren’t right.”

Sasuke closes his eyes and tries to tune the words out before staring at Naruto’s sheepish grin. Naruto tries to ease the situation.

“But uh yeah, Tayuya, they’ve been going steady for a while now. He’s just embarrassed, y’know?”

She lets her boyfriend go. “Surprised you have an actual girlfriend, Sasuke. The only time you seem to give a shit is when you’re on the can. Then again, you do look pretty constipated…” Tayuya rubs her chin before waving her hand. “That’s beside the point! I’m shocked you found someone willing to put up with you.”

“It’s like I said, Sasuke has a sensitive side.” Naruto pulls up his phone to show Tayuya a picture. There was Sasuke all right, looking as constipated as ever, and a giddy redhead hugging him.

Tayuya wolf-whistles. “Not bad. Sasuke.”

Sai shakes his head. “What is it with you three and redheads.”

“Three?”

“Oh yeah, Sakura’s seeing someone too. Well, kinda, sorta. I don’t know. Yo, Sasuke, pull him up on your phone.”

“Why do you think I have a photo of Sasori?”

“Look, I was lucky to find this photo in between all my Tayuya ones. Just do it. I know Sakura must’ve sent you a picture of them.”

“As I was saying, did you all watch some movie together in your formative years that made you hunger for redheads?” Sai out his phone on the table and gets back to his art. “I’ve even made a list. Do any of these seem familiar?”

Sasuke glances up before going back to his phone. “I’m not reading all that.”

Naruto grabs Sai’s phone and reads it out loud. “Red Clover, Red Exorcist, Dyed, Rossa Wind, Copper Soul-”

“Not a single one of those was real.” Tayuya interjects.

“You don’t know that.” Sai rebuts.

“Yeah, I do. People who tell the truth don’t respond to doubt with ‘you don’t know that.’” Tayuya yanks the phone out of Naruto’s hands and goes to throw it over Sai’s head. Sai refuses to look up, and Tayuya holds her pose. Her bluff successfully called, she sits back down and safely slides it across the table. He pockets his phone before continuing.

“I really am curious about unraveling this.”

“Just let it go. The answer’s not gonna be that interesting. They probably just had a hot redhead for a teacher or some shit.”

“Found it.”

Naruto passes Sasuke’s phone over to Tayuya so she can take a look. Sakura was there all right, and standing right by her was the man in question. He was shorter than her and was presenting some figure. Sakura was smiling and had an arm around Sasori’s shoulders. Sasori seemed uncomfortable, but maybe that was just massive bags under his eyes throwing the photo off. His body position seemed stiff too, but it all paled in contrast with his soft genuine smile.

“Is that a doll?”

“Oh, don’t let him hear you say that. But yeah, he never really grew out of toys.”

“Is it just me, or he seem kinda old?”

“No, he is our age. It’s just that he and sleep are about as well acquainted as Sasuke and women. It’s funny, to think of you three, Naruto seemed to have developed the most functional relationship. Although I could see Sakura being able to whip him into shape to be half presentable. I do feel sorry for Karin. She seemed to roll poorly.”

Sai puts his brush between his fingers and rubs his chin as if hard at thought.

“Then again, maybe Sasuke was the one who rolled poorly. Of the three, she is the most lacking in terms of looks. Her personality could also do with some trimming if I do say so.”

“Piss off.” Sasuke glared.

Sai tilts an eyebrow. “Touched a nerve, have I? I remember you being very pragmatic. I thought you didn’t care for worthless things.”

Sasuke gets up on the table and grabs Sai by the collar.

“Say that again.”

Sai tilts his head, his eyes closed but still smiling.

“Make me.”

Naruto leans over and tries to pull Sasuke back. “Guys, don’t fight! Sasuke, please. I just got Tayuya and Sai to stop!”

“Oh hell no! This shit’s gold!”

Tayuya pulls him back to his seat and shoves her phone onto him, the recording function ready, but she’s still facing Sai and Sasuke.

“C’mon, boys! Go for it! Tear your shirts off and throw down!”

“Wait, why do I gotta record this?”

“Hey, focus will ya! Someone’s gotta direct the scene.”

Naruto looks back up and sees the two out on the grass, fists ready. They apparently agreed with Tayuya too, either from being in the heat of the moment or in some macho display, they start throwing their shirts off, exposing their handsome bodies. Sasuke and Sai come at each other again, grappling at each other.

Naruto sweat drops and side-eyes Tayuya. “And that just so happens to let you stare at the two wrestling?”

“That’s just a neat side bonus. Now, keep rolling!”

Naruto keeps recording. Well, this was a bust. Oh, well, maybe he could make himself feel better after uploading this to a quarter of a billion views. Sigh, you win some, you lose some.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be a comedy, but safe sex is no laughing matter. Don’t be silly, wrap that willy. Stay safe out there.


End file.
